A Tale of Two Sherlocks

In the past year, we have been graced with two new incarnations of Sherlock Holmes. The first  was presented to us by every ones favorite London gangstarr groupie Guy Ritchee, who seems to be back on track producing witty humorous and clever "guy" flicks (*chortle chortle*) after having been lost in the wilds of Madonna va-ja-ja for several years. The second is the Sherlock Holmes television re-imagining created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, the former now the head writer and executive producer for the rebooted Doctor Who series and the latter also a writer on said series who play Sherlock's brother Mycroft in this new show. Both seemed to be trying to give us a Holmes for the modern era but they go about it in such different ways that it begs the question of which one shall be the iconic Holmes of our generation. Is this a thoroughly fruitless endeavor? Yes. Will whatever arguments I construct be flimsy pablum in the face of the fact that this is an entirely subjective decision? Sure. Am I just yapping into the void of the Interwebs in a futile attempt to let the world know that I exist! I matter! And goddamit, I'm worth it! ...Probably. Will these realizations stop me from embarassing myself? Unlikely.

Strange Things in the World

there are some things in this world which defy explanation. LeBron James' "The Decision" fiasco, the continued reign of Silvio Berlusconi and Justin Bieber. One of these inexplicable phenomena is Celebrity Autobiography. A stage show, it consists entirely of comedians and other celebrities of varying fame and notoriety, stepping up in front of a microphone at a small club or theater and reading excerpts from celebrity autobiographies. Notable guests include Ryan Reynolds, Kristian Johnston and Florence Henderson. The tomes of lore from which the dispense wisdom were (arguably) penned by such erudite luminaries as Susan Summers, Tommy Lee and Mr. T. The reason for me being completely gobsmacked by this concept, is that I can't for the life of me explain why this concept has been a globe sweeping success as of yet. Obsession which celebrities really kicked into high gear about 15-20 years ago and any lugubrious fuck-tard with even the most minute iota of fame has been cranking out celeb tell-alls for much longer than that. That it took until the late 2000's for someone to come up with this goldmine is almost criminal! A friend made me aware of it by linking me a CBS Sunday Morning report which is a good starting point for those who want to know more. For all you cats over in NYC, the show started over there recently so I would highly advise you to go visit if you have an evening to spare. For now however, I shall just show you three of my favorite videos. Enjoy!

Holister Scares the Living Shit out of me

That's right, Living Shit, capital letters. I know that my age puts me far outside of the Holister target demographic but that doesn't mean I can avoid them. There is one in the new MyZeil Gallery in Frankfurt and which is gifted with Europes longest escalator that carries you straight to a Coa restaurant. Coa is a chain of 2000-y health Asian food fusion thingies that has food good enough sell one of your closer relations for. Maybe a cousin. In fact the whole set up seems to be made with Led Zeppelin 'Stairway to Heaven' jokes in mind. It's that good. Hang on I seem to have wandered off for a moment there...

Oh yes...Holister = Evil got it.

Like I was saying, I am fully aware that this little rant make me look like a decrepit pensioner trying to chase little snot chavs off of my front lawn, what with their flash dancing, hip hopping and lower back tattoos, but just look at the place!!

They keep the lights so low anyone over the age of 16 will continually bump into the fixtures or find themselves caught in an unwilling close encounter with the homoerotic wall spanning photos ripped straight out of a Playgirl magazine they decorate this hellish abode with. They fill the air with some putrescent, pheromone laced skunk musk to attract more of the braces wielding, training bra wearing, voice cracking, Tobey McGuire in Spider-Man 3 hairdo sporting zombies and then artificially limit the their occupancy rate to force the rest of us human beings to have to walk past this cavalcade of awkward pubescence. Look at the first picture, they have a chandelier hanging at genital height, those vile, tasteless philistines!!!

The whole get up doesn't so much shout "hip, edgy clothing retail branch" as it does "satanic goth-rock BDSM night club/rape shack". Any time I am forced to pass this place, I am struck by an adrenaline fueled fight-or-flight response as I am sure that one of the Ken Doll, 14-pack ab equipped, grape smuggling speedo models with excellently moisturized skin bouncers is going to clasp me between his faked tanned fingers, and with a flick of his purpose styled and highlighted surfer mop, hurl me into this den of sin and despair, where the succubi sales assistants will do unimaginably horrific things to me before I emerge 45 minutes later feeling skeezy, oily and supremely violated, carrying a paper bag of $65 dollar v-neck t-shirts that I would need to go on a all smoothie and wheat grass diet to squeeze into.

These places are Hellmouths I swear it!To make matters worse, the targeted demographic won't even get that reference!!

The Wild Eyed Bibliomaniac - The Girl who did or had something-something

 Image courtesy of halfpricedbooksonline

I love reading. There is probably no greater joy for me in the world (it contends with drugs, sex, alcohol, all the standards) and I have often sworn that the day I stop reading is the day I die. Books, magazines, blogs, news sites even those archaic flaps of thin paper called newspapers, none can escape my grasp. This is why I will from now on write about those books that either particularly impress, annoy or distress me.

A word of warning for the unaware: this "review" will likely contain spoilers and may be unintelligible for those people who haven't read the books. My purpose here isn't so much to inform or recommend, but to document my thoughts about the book as I was reading it or after I finished it. It really should be viewed as something of a ill-informed diatribe by something akin to the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.So bewared unwary traveler, here may be spoilers. And rantings.

So...here we go.

Strange Things in the World

Now the World Cup is over and we all need to return to plodding, dreary normalcy for another two years until the Euro Cup in Poland and the Ukraine comes to carry us away on wings of joy to lands of unicorns and marshmallow dumplings.

So to make the transition as painless as possible for us all, I am starting with a new segment: fucking weird shit that I stumble over and take picture of. It sounds better as Strange Things in the World so we will stick with that.

I now present you undeniable proof that Germany is simultaneously the both the oddest country in the world and the one made almost entirely of win.

After all, we eat Hobbits. Ok that is overly dramatic. We turn them into tasty little biscuts and then eat them. With tea. Or milk. The point is, you have to drink something with them to complete the experience and get the sticky little buggers out of your teeth.

Flips World Cup Blog - Bugger.

Ok, so I may have been a bit melodramatic last night. Having had a semi-decent nights sleep and the majority of the day to dwell on the defeat of the German National Football team, I can now say this with now without having to fight the urge to gag: Spain played really, really well and deserved to win. Barcelona...I'm sorry, Spain, dominated the game with intense pressure and the most precise passing play I have ever seen in my football viewing life. It may not be the prettiest or most exciting football in the world, but to call it anything other than dominant would be painfully remiss. There I said. Now give me five minutes to bash my head against the wall.

Ahhh....much better.


So now the question is: where does Die Mannschaft go from here? Other than the match for third place. Well, it's best to start with the man who made it all happen: Jogi Loew. OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US!!! PLEASE PLEASE STAY! I PROMISE I'LL MAKE ALL THE BAD MEN GO AWAY!
I kid, but in all seriousness, it is virtually impossible to overstate the importance of Loew's presence. The entire team, their style of play, the individual players all of it bears his mark. The  fashionable German coach recieved a lot of flak from both the press and the DFB (Deutscher Fussball Bund) in the run up to the World Cup. For, the teams middling performance during the winter, for his choice of players possible even his v-neck sweaters, nothing was out of bounds. Now those same doubters are singing his praises. The only question is: will Jogi Loew put the past behind him and focus on the Euro Cup in 2012? He has crafted something great. A team that is so young and capable of such dominance should not be left to the devices of a coach who doesn't have the same vision. Make no mistake, Loew has a vision, and this is just the beginning.

Next is the team. Lifted by dazzling performances that raised expectations to truly dizzying heights, the squad must now pull itself back from depression and realize that they too are only at the beginning. With an average age of 25, this team,with only a few exception, can still contend in 2-3 more World Cup tournaments. Contend and contend strongly. The loss is bitter, and being stopped so short of the final for the second time in a row doubly so. But they need to remind themselves that at the moment, there are only two teams in Europe and four teams worldwide that can contend with them. Their future is bright, and they are only starting.

FUCK!!!

Fuck Spain!
Fuck F.C. Barcelona!
Fuck losing 1-0!
Fuck Octopi!
Fuck losing in the semis for the second time in a row!
Fuck a ridiculously talented team, MY TEAM, being too scared, too respectful of a bunch of Iberian twats! Fuck my thwarted expectations and hopes!
Fuck Diego Maradona!
Fuck Sepp Blatter!
Fuck smug sportswriters who wanted Germany to lose!
Fuck ESPN!
Fuck Netzer and Delling!
Fuck Iker Casillas's reporter girlfriend!
Fuck the people who hounded Jogi Loew all year. Those fuckers who created a situation that might cause him to resign despite a ludicrously successful tournament!
Fuck Holland, though I am going to support them anyway!
Fuck Uruguay!
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Flips GLORIOUS World Cup Blog-o-rama Extravaganza - Second day of football withdrawl...

Its been dismal. Just dismal. The second day of life without football has been a horrendous ordeal without end in sight until I saw an interesting article in the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung (FAZ) about how Bastian Schweinsteiger (or Schweini as he used to be called, which means "Piglet"), had made several combative statements regarding the Argentinians and the infamous brawl that broke loose after Germany had beaten Argentina on penalty kicks in the 2006 quarter-finals. So far it had only been the Argentines who had been making a lot of noise about how they were going to get revenge for last time. Maradonna had even crooned that he would post a team line up that was "guaranteed to beat the Germans".