An open letter on the Winter Olympics

Monday February 22, 2010
 
To all:
I do not follow the Winter Olympics! They are a worthless set of snow games invented by a bunch of Scandinavians drunk on fermented reindeer urine and suffering from combination of snow blindness, cabin fever and gnome hallucinations! They range from the unbelievably silly (curling) to the mind numbingly monotonous (ski jumping) and the hair-raisingly suicidal (the skeleton)! I do not care how my country fares in the medal count in this horrendous, "my-country-tis-of-thee" money-sink. I do not care about corrupt french ice skating judges, doping scandals or if Apolo Anto Ohno is was in fact the inspiration for Jim Brewers Goat Boy character! I cannot fucking stand Bob Costas! The Olympic Anthem is less inspiring than the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, actually scratch that, it less inspiring than the fucking Titanic soundtrack, and that is bloody well saying something. How can anyone claim this is an event in celebration of the human spirit and athletic achievement when you need, at minimum, a structured loan on you house, kidneys and unborn children just to buy the fucking equipment to participate? Once you have then bankrupted yourself, you are then forced to undergo the added humiliation of squeezing your worthless, lumpy body into a suit so tight, most LA street hookers would consider it to be too revealing. Good Lord, they probably feed a bunch of blind, mongoloid baboons sets of crayons and then let them fling their poo at these outfits! Do they need these ridiculous colors just so they don't lose the "athletes" when the inevitable take a wrong turn and end up lost in the snow. It would also help if you need SPF 450 in order to go on a walk on a cloudy day, if you catch my drift. It's a an unbelievable waste of money and time. The only sport that be considered remotely exciting is ice hockey, and even that is only great for people to exorcise long simmering ethnic and international tensions via burly men slamming each other into walls or beating each other with sticks.
Thank you very much.