Imagine two nations that are utterly football crazy. The one nation invented the sport and is home to the best professional league on the planet. This nation is extremely proud of its footballing tradition and at having produced some of the best footballers in recent times. However, international greatness has proved frustratingly elusive, having won only one World Cup title so far.
The other nation took the sport invented by the first and married it with the works of Sun Tzu while parring away anything supercilious like flash and style (and fun some would say). While that country's home league may not be the be the best in Europe, internationally the county's team has been one of the most successful, garnering three World Cup titles and more final appearances than any other team save possibly Brazil.
Now imagine the most intense sports rivalry you know of. Think Yankees-Red Sox or Celtics-Lakers. Now multiply it by 40,000, feed it a heady mixture of tequila, schnapps, PCP and meth, dip it in gasoline, set it on fire and point it in the direction of Fallujah circa 2004 and you might approach the level of intensity that surrounds Germany vs England friendly matches.
As with all things, the reason for the intensity of this rivalry can be found in their shared history.
First the obvious: Germany and England were on opposite sides of the last 30 Year war (World War I and II), and the English in particular are still a mite bit miffed about the Germans rearranging their city squares from 3000 meters height without having consulted a city zoning board and having opted to use bombs to achieve results. More importantly, that immense conflict was a significant contributing factor to the dissolution of the English Empire, something the English still haven't quite come to grips with. It didn't help that Germany then experienced the Wirtschaftswunder (Economic Miracle) in the 1950's while England was still suffering the consequences of the war. So the English have some legitimate historical gripes with the Germans, but the French and the Germans managed to come to terms over the last 65 years, as did the Dutch and the Germans (mostly) and pretty much every one else (except maybe the Polish, they may still be a bit pissed), why haven't the English been able to do so?
Well this is where football comes in.
The historic and controversial goal at Wembley in 1966.
As inventors of The Beautiful Sport many English feel they ought to be the dominant global force in said sport. Given that most countries invest a good amount of national pride into their football teams (look at whats been happening at France to see to what preposterous length governments will go when the team has "become a source of national disgrace"), it has been nothing short of a decades long nightmare to the English that a country that many of their tabloids still refer to as "The Enemy" (the "Daily Star" recently referred to Germany's black away jersey as the "Return of the SS Uniform") could be such a dominant force in football. To make matters worse, German football has traditionally dictated to follow a methodical, results oriented strategy. Not for them the flow and twists of passing football nor the flashy tricks and sublime dribbling. Watching the German team in eras past was much like watching a regiment of emotionless terminators slowly advance upon the enemy to crush them beneath their metal feet. The German team scored from "standard situations": free kicks, corners and most frighteningly of all, penalty kicks. To the German mind all that mattered was the result, everything else was a distraction. To the English mind this was nothing short of heretical.
Klinsmann, raising the Euro Cup in 1996 in England. Behind him: Queen Elizabeth II
What made the whole thing unbearable was that the English seemed to be cursed to lose against the Germans in penalty shoot offs. While England has the winning record overall (15:10), they have been unable to beat their nemesis in tournament play. Since 1954, the year West Germany was allowed to participate in the World Cup again after having been banned since 1945 (where the country won the tournament in a match that is known as Das Wunder von Bern), England has beaten Germany only once in World Cup play. That was the 1966 final match, one of the greatest matches played in the game and still one of the most hotly contested. In the Euro Cup, the statistic takes on an even more embarrassing and painful dimension, when in the 1996 tournament, England was beaten by Germany in their own country in the semi-finals (again, in a penalty kick off) and then had to face the added humiliation of watching Juergen Klinsmann raise the cup over his head in victory while standing in front of Queen Elizabeth II a few days later. Of course England has had its fair share of memorable triumphs against Germany, the most recent being the 5-1 victory in a 2001 friendly, which the English still croon on about.
I had to hear about this one for years.
In all England's attitude towards Germany when it comes to football was best summed up by ex-national player Gary Lineker: "In football, 22 men play and in the end, Germany wins."
To most Germans however, the fact that our very existence seems to send your run-of-the-mill Englishman into conniptions of hate fueled vitriol is both amusing and perplexing. As a country that has painstakingly tried to come to terms with it's own history, Germans are largely at peace with themselves about the events of the last century and the country's role in said events. Beyond this we are now in the 3rd going on 4th generation to be born since the last war, for us that time is more just part of our history, rather than something we take personal offense to. Beyond which, for us, the French were always considered to be der Erbfeind (the inherited enemy), while the English were a bunch of strange isolationist islanders who drank warm beer, gave their food strange names and seemed obsessed with sticking out the most horrific of situations without the most minute display of human emotion. For us, this is a classic game, which will likely test our nerves and our young teams skills and resolve to the utmost. After all, it's a football match not a bloody reenactment of the Battle of the Bulge! Beyond which...we've always won the most important matches anyway. :)
Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with these guys?! They are obsessed with the wars, just let it go already! This is football for Christ's sake!
Oh was it you bunch of weak chinned xenophobic pricks? You remember what happened? Because I sure do!!
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