Strange Things in the World+Television!! = Bizarrovision! Hawaii 5- WHHAAA???

This is my first combination post, and I think the subject is particularly worthy of comment since it is probably the most puzzling thing that has ever crossed my path. Well that is not entirely true. "Female logic", Sarah Palin, Germany's anti-nuclear energy policy, American Conservative policies, Japanese card game based animes and the Winter Olympics are all things that no one has been able to explain to me to any satisfaction but in terms of Us popular culture and television, there is nothing more bewildering than the remake of Hawaii 5-O, which is now called Hawaii Five-0. Cause it's different, see?!

A little history first: Hawaii 5-O, was your grandfathers Law & Order. Spawning on US television for the first time in 1968, the show was the prototype cop show, the one that came up with the phrase "take em away", a dead horse of a cliche so thoroughly beaten that it really is just a slightly damp piece of  ground at this point. The show ran for an eye popping 12 years and featured a multi-ethnic cast with extras that more or less reflected the racial reality of the island. In the 1960's that was nothing less than a Jesus getting drunk and turning a donkey into a Winnebago sized miracle. The show ended in 1980, and as we are currently stuck in the remake epidemic, television producers at CBS decided that this little hallowed piece of US television history had been resting peacefully long enough. So they pillaged the grave and cracked open the coffin to see what leftover pieces of cadaver they could stitch together into something vaguely resembling a show. This may seem I am being incredibly hypocritical in my opinions of the remaking scourge as I am on record as one of the many geeks who would willing sign up for the armed forces if Edward James Olmos made a recruitment video for the Marines wearing his Battlestar Galactica uniform. However, I feel that BSG is the very large exception that proves the rule about remaking old properties instead of taking a risk with new ones. The results often fall into the "intolerable horseshit" category. To be fair, Hawaii Five-0, isn't that bad, but it does carve out it's own niche in the remake paradigm: "bizarre". That word will crop up often.





1. Stop! Five-OOHHHHH
I am more than aware that society has gone through considerable shifts since the late 1960's, and that things that are perfectly acceptable on TV today would have gotten you arrested and sent to a penal battalion back then. However, I just cannot get over the primary launch poster.

Why are they staring at me like that??

This doesn't so much scream "modern remake of hard bitten cop classic" as it does "are they all going to make out now?". I think all the water is supposed to reference to Hawaii being a bunch of island paradises, but it actually gives the impression that the whole cast (from left to right: Alex O'Loughlin, Grace Park, Daniel Dae Kim, Scott Caan) were dunked wholesale into a vat of lube. Particularly Scoot Caan on the left seems to be channeling his inner Boogie Nights. It is like a air horn at an ice hockey game, blaring at us how improbably hot and stacked the cast is, which is even more perplexing when you look at the cast of the original show:

Ahh the 70's! A lost age where man, no matter race or creed could wear ridiculous mutton chops!

See, those guys, I believe are cops. The guys in the previous picture look like a bunch of soft-core porn actors who have all gone for the constipated/angry look that many people mistake for bad ass/smoldering. It doesn't quite threaten rape, but certainly has gives the feeling of being in a sketchy bar in the back of a truck stop in the middle of Wisconsin when the midget vs stripper lube wrestling match is about to begin.



2. Send in the Asians...FROM SPACE!!

No! Not these guys, never them!

 A quick search on Wikipedia and other, maybe more reliable sites,w ill quickly reveal that the islands population is largely of blend of Asian and Native Hawaiian ancestry. So it makes sense that any and all actors of Asian origin would be able to get a part on the show. This is a good thing, Asians (yes I really do include everyone from Pakistan to Japan as being Asian) are often criminally underexposed in modern US media despite them constituting 4.9% of the US population, a whopping 14 million people. So the likelihood that we will see plenty of familiar faces is relatively high. However, this bizarrely seems to highlight that most Asian actors seem to be working in science fiction projects. Starting with the main cast we have Daniel Dae Kim of Lost fame and Grace Park from my beloved Battlestar Galactica. This is followed up by Masi Oka (Heros), Dichen Lachman (Dollhouse) and Kelly Hu (X2, The Scorpion King, numerous sci-fi video games)!! The sci-fi element seems to extend beyond those of Asian persuasion to include James Marsters (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and Kevin motherfucking Sorbo (really, i need to explain who he is?)?! Currently it is my fondest is for Lucy Liu, John Cho, Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat, Michelle Yeoh to all appear in the same episode and then be taught the meaning of Christmas by George Takei. If that happens, I will cease any and all criticism of Hawaii Five-0 and make this face for all eternity.

3. So it's Ocean's 11 in Hawaii?
Most of the acting in this show is horrible. I have no idea if it is the scripts or the fact that the actors have been spending so much time on the beach that they have all morphed into mid-90's surfer dudes. It is really painful to see Kim and Park on screen, as most of the lines they are given are so contrived and ham-fisted you could feed an entire German dynasty. I guess this is because for both of them these roles are a bit of a step down in terms of artistic challenge. In Lost, Kim had to inhabit the role of someone who could not communicate with the majority of the other characters. In BSG, Park had to play a multiple iterations of essentially the same character but make her different in every iteration. This often meant there were entire scenes where she was talking with herself! Both roles would be highly demanding for any actor and both actors took full command of them, carving out a strong position in hit cult shows with sprawling ensemble casts. Watching them in Five-0 is like going to watch Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe play at the height of their careers and then witness them sit on coach, smoking weed and shooting the shit. It's bizarre!

In comparison, the interactions between Caan and O'Loughlin are the most compelling reason to watch the series. Caan is essentially channeling his performance from the Ocean's movies. There he was the eternally bickering hetero-lifemate of Casey Affleck. In Five-0, they just replaced Affleck with O'Loughlin and let Caan do his thing. I would find this cheap if it didn't work so well. You could literally place a cardboard cut out of Art Shell opposite Caan it would be amusing to watch. But it's hardly ground breaking and you become aware very quickly that you are only watching for some more amusing bon mots  and to see which Asian actor is guest starring this week. It's going to get old fast.

4. What the hell does "Bing it" mean??
 This is more something that I find bewildering about network behavior during November sweeps. Product placement is the norm, sometimes it is subtle, sometimes a bit more blatant, but it's never been vomited at us in quite this vulgar a fashion.

Let me show you what I mean: The phrase"What the Fuck?!" Just about neatly sums that up. This is not the only offense CBS has committed, they also shoehorned an equally nauseating product placement for Windows Mobile 7 into the most recent episode of Castle. I felt violated after the above scene. Used and thrown away like a dirty dish rag. Studios consider us too stupid to pick up on product placement, they need to force their talent to smack us over the head with it, so that all we can remember is a logo and Daniel Dae Kim's stunning cheek bones!

Windows Phone 7 + Bing Product Placement - A funny movie is a click away

The phrase"What the Fuck?!" Just about neatly sums that up. This is not the only offense CBS has committed, they also shoehorned an equally nauseating product placement for Windows Mobile 7 into the most recent episode of Castle. I felt violated after the above scene. Used and thrown away like a dirty dish rag. Studios consider us too stupid to pick up on product placement, they need to force their talent to smack us over the head with it, so that all we can remember is a logo and Daniel Dae Kim's stunning cheek bones as we huddle in the corner of the shower, clasping our knees and begging for it not to have happened.


5. Sooo, do we watch this thing??
Honestly, I do know whether to recommend it or not. Some aspects of it are undeniably fun, others just puzzling or bad. You may or may have not realized that not once have I mentioned the storytelling abilities of the show, but that is because they reside firmly in the realm of fairies, unicorns and politicians who have kept their campaign promises I know I will probably watch it one or two more times but unless the aforementioned George Takei saves Christmas episode materializes I am not sure how long it can hang on to 'bizarre' before it slips into 'meh' and from there into 'horseshit'.